Notes to Self

May 31, 2012

Therapy – Week 3

Filed under: Them vs. Me, Therapy — me2self @ 8:43 pm

I decided to return to therapy (after 1o+ years) because I was becoming angry and the frustration was overwhelming. I knew there was more to it than I could see by myself. So I found (made) the time to see a therapist.

I am glad that I did.

During my last session I had to revisit emotions and memories that I (somewhat purposely) forgot about. Things from my childhood all the way to my early 20’s. I was shocked at how strong and raw the emotions still were. Immediate tears – to the point of being unable to talk.

Since then I have been remembering moments and conversations – as well as ways that I felt; the hurt, the disappointment, the anger and self-hatred. I am stuck between enormous guilt and feeling like I don’t need to be forgiven.

So the therapist (cognitive-behavioral) said that I will need to come up with a “script” to counter the negative thoughts. I said that I really first needed to think about what the fundamental negative thought(s) are. I believe I was still to surface.

On my way to work I have been calling my parents (usually my father because he is retired and my mother goes in to work at 8 AM) and this morning my mother said something that reminded me of one of these fundamental thoughts. That no matter what I do it is not correct, is not good enough and should have been done according to my parents’ advice (even if they disagree). Furthermore, should I fail to follow their advice, I should continue on my own without their support.

Once upon a time that really meant something – their support that is. Now I look back and think who were they kidding – I never had their support.

Now I look back and think how could I have fallen for all of that shit. And how I wasted my life worrying about them and what they think and say (or said). All my potential down the drain. Everything I was and could have been squashed by depression. I feel like a shell of a person. I mourn the loss of myself. So that, I think (right now) is the negative thought that I need to counter – that I am destroyed.

May 25, 2012

Happy Mom = Happy Family

Filed under: Irrelevant until it isn't — me2self @ 4:52 pm

Happy Mom = Happy Family.

I like this post (today).

In order for a piece of literature, a movie, an event or even just a few words painted on a sign, to speak to you, move you or just give you pause, you have to be open to information or advice at the time at which it is available.

If your 1+1 doesn’t equal 2, sarcastic remarks will fly. But find those things at the right time and clarity can descend.

Not saying babylogic is 100% accurate, just saying that today this makes sense and it gives me something to think about and alternatives to my current approach, which isn’t working out very well.

 

Note: I believe a good piece of art (paper, paint or film) is decidedly so if it causes you an emotion that you otherwise would not have had (not including boredom). Feel angry? Sad? Happy? Embarrassed? Good. It did it’s job.

Nursing the nursing

Filed under: Breastfeeding, Them vs. Me — Tags: , , — me2self @ 12:50 pm

I don’t recall when I decided that I wanted to breastfeed my daughter. I don’t think I even debated the issue. Yeah – of course I will do that, if I can. I heard/read all stories about the benefits and difficulties of breastfeeding – hints on how to make it work after birth. I didn’t find all of these suggestions…how do I say – pleasing? For example, the suggestion that you should offer the breast immediately after delivery. Really? I was struggling with the whole naked, legs open to a room full of folks thing already – that just seemed too much. But then I thought what if I don’t do that – will my baby not bond to me? Will I fail to get her to latch?

Well fortunately I didn’t have to make that decision – I had a c-section. I saw my lovely little girl for all of 30 seconds before they whisked her away. I spent the next few hours in recovery and finally we got reunited. The nurses were very helpful and I am certain that they were a big part of the success I had in getting my daughter to latch. However the rest of their advise was shit – have her nurse 15 min on each side (during the first few days!)…whatever.

So we nursed. And I pumped when I wasn’t nursing. 3 months later I said – ok kid, you need to take a bottle because you’ll be going to daycare in a month. No thank you she said.

We had to bottle train our daughter. Finally she took a bottle and we continued to give her one bottle a day so she would adjust to daycare. And she did – with flying colors!

I continued to nurse after I returned to work and I pumped at work. My goal was that she would never have a drop of formula (still not sure why I was so hellbent on that) – to ‘breastfeed’ for 12 months. Pumping was awful – I hated it and the dislike grew stronger each month. But all I had to do was look at a picture of that sweet face and I knew why I was doing it -and I did.

I made it to the 12 month goal (without much support from my family by the way – excluding my husband, who was very helpful!). I even had quite a stash left in the freezer! Then it came time to decide how to wean her. She transitioned to cow’s milk (during the day at daycare) without a problem. So I decided to see how she would self-wean. Things seemed to be going well until she had a stomach flu and I had to nurse her more often to keep her hydrated (she wouldn’t drink anything else!). Now we are back to nursing after daycare, before bed, in the middle of the night and in the morning (not all each day though).

So now I am stuck between wanting to give her the comfort and security of nursing that she obviously still wants and wanting to wean her. The truth is – I am tired of nursing. But I am not tired of loving her and doing what is best for her. But is weaning best for her?

I am also torn between what I feel and what others are saying to me. You’ve done it long enough; I though you said only a year….blah blah blah.

So this morning I nursed her at 4 AM and then we went back to sleep. This didn’t really work and we ended up getting up at 5 AM. We played, watched some Sesame Street, played some more. She started clinging to me, whining, etc. I knew she wanted to nurse but I wasn’t sure if I should. I didn’t want to and I thought if I just distract her long enough we won’t and she won’t miss it. I was wrong. She cried as we got into the car to go to daycare and since then I have felt terrible – regretting not nursing her.

She could have been fine and then I wouldn’t have had to write this post. I would have written, instead, about her new rain boots! But how was I supposed to know. I tried. I failed. I will now beat myself up about it for the rest of the day. I will call the daycare and ask how she is doing. I will feel silly for doing so. I will think about nursing her when we get home because I feel guilty about this morning. Then I will beat myself up for giving in to that.  I will wonder what to do and wish I had some guidance. I will wonder how these days will impact the rest of her life. I will make my decision to nurse or not to nurse be crucial to the state of her future emotional health…but no pressure, right? And then I will get stressed about this and frustrated and angry. And then I will feel guilty about being so negative and how my negativity has ruined her evening and ruined her current emotional foundation – you know how detrimental it is for children to grow up in households in which the parents fight, imagine when mommy is so frustrated all the time! I have failed her. Again.

I guess I need to decide to nurse or not to nurse and be ok with that decision. But the decision should be mine and made from my heart and not from the negative place of other people’s opinions (“them”). Or from a place of guilt. If it is important to her then I want to do it for her. That is the bottom line.

Dear Diary; Dear Blog

Filed under: On Purpose — me2self @ 12:50 am

I am a mother. I am a wife. I am a woman.

I am a daughter and a sister.

I am not perfect but think I should be.

I struggle each day to keep it together.

I argue with myself constantly.

I like to ‘complain it out’.

I need to talk things through.

I keep a journal, but haven’t for quite some time.

From Me To Self is my new journal.

Dear Diary; Dear Blog

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