Notes to Self

June 19, 2012

Therapy Week 4: What my parents taught me

Filed under: I asked "Why", Them vs. Me, Therapy, Why must you insist on.... — Tags: — me2self @ 12:42 pm

It is amazing how the more you look at something the less appealing it becomes.

Take a quick glance and it isn’t all that bad. Keep uncovering the layers and it’s a pile of shit.

I finally figured out that my internal mantra goes something like this:

Whatever I do is not good enough.

I’ve done it wrong.

I always do it wrong.

I have failed.

I will always fail.

Therefore I am no good and I, as a failure, deserve nothing.

Ergo I am not worthy of anything.

This, I believe, is my fundamental negative thought. I no longer have to actually say it to myself, I realized it has become so second nature that all I have to do is sigh and it encompasses all the dialog.

I realized how often my parents criticized me, told me what I was attempting to do wouldn’t work, that I didn’t approach it properly and I don’t think things through. How I didn’t know enough to accomplish that task or how since I didn’t ask for help I would have to go it alone (and of course end up with nothing of consequence because I wasn’t doing it their way). My way or the highway. Phrases like “you always____”; “you never learn”; “why must you insist on ____”; “tell my why you ___”; “you know what your problem is _____”; and “I don’t understand why you must ____”.

My parents didn’t teach me to be proud of myself or to believe in my potential. They taught me I don’t have any.

My parents didn’t teach me that goals are something positive and rewarding when achieved. They taught me I will never be good at anything so why bother.

My parents didn’t teach me self-respect or that I am beautiful inside and out. They taught me that I am only as good as my worst mistake.

At the ripe age of 36, I am left with more self-hatred for being so fucking stupid and believing the things they were telling me. But then, as my husband likes to say, we all do the best we can with what we have at the time. I guess an 8 year old doesn’t have much with which to work. Not sure that really means a lot to me right now – maybe some day I can also shrug and say those words and not feel the anger and sadness in the pit of my stomach.

So what’s next?



1 Comment »

  1. Indeed, what’s next?

    Comment by kenyatta2009 — June 19, 2012 @ 2:03 pm

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