Notes to Self

June 20, 2012

You can’t always get what you want….

Filed under: Breastfeeding, Then again.... — Tags: , , — me2self @ 2:30 pm

Last night I think my daughter wanted to nurse.

I should note that she hasn’t nursed since this past Friday evening. I am so glad to be done with it although I am nervous that maybe she wasn’t 100% ready and somehow is feeling that something is missing from her life and it is causing her unrest. I simply gave her a pacifier before we went up for her nap and she didn’t need to nurse to fall asleep. I did the same for the evening and she even cuddled up to read a few books (which she has never done so I figured we were done with the nursing).

But last night she was not her normal self – well, she was her normal “I now want to nurse” self. But I didn’t let her. I sat there thinking it through and thought it would be a slippery slope and she just needs to get through this phase. But then I wondered if I was denying her and wouldn’t she just give it up again easily enough so what’s the harm….but what if she didn’t? I didn’t want to return to nursing regularly. I am done with it. Oh the torment I put myself through over this. I kept cycle through what if, shouldn’t I just, and but then again. I got so frustrated and irritated.

And then I started in on what a terrible mother I am and why don’t I know what to do and how I am already screwing up my kid.

She cried – didn’t want to go to sleep, wanted to play. I had to enforce a bed time (8 PM is late enough kid!) so I had to let her cry. It wasn’t a terrible cry but it wasn’t fun. I remembered that setting rules and boundaries is just as important as making sure they get plenty of hugs, kisses and giggles. Eventually she just settled down and fell asleep and that was that. Let’s see how tonight goes.

This morning I was thinking about last night and I thought that if I could just learn to relax and not worry so much maybe I could have a lighter attitude and maybe that would make her less stressed/upset/unhappy (as I perceive her to be)? Maybe I need to adjust my “aura” to prevent such situations.

But then again, you can’t always get what you want and we all have to deal with it – whether we are 14 months or 36 years old. Still, I feel as though I have failed her. Good thing I go to therapy today!

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