Notes to Self

June 19, 2012

My daughter’s eyes look like ice-cream

Filed under: Whatever, Why must you insist on.... — Tags: , , — me2self @ 12:21 pm

In an earlier post I suggested that I ought to just look into my daughter’s eyes and decide if that {insert name of “junk food”} was more appealing.

Apparently my daughter’s eyes look like ice-cream because I have failed miserably to not eat it.

But today is a new day.

Pass the carrots and hummus.

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June 6, 2012

It doesn’t get any better than this….(say what?)

Filed under: I asked "Why", Then again...., Whatever — me2self @ 12:37 pm

According to a friend of mine (who is a mother of two – the youngest in his mid-twenties), motherhood doesn’t get any easier and, in fact, just gets harder.

The lack of personal time, the constant strain and drain on your energy. It just gets worse. And if you have a second child – exponentially worse.

However I do recognize that with the intense bond my daughter and I have the good and the “bad” are yin and yang. The tug on your heart strings are just as strong when she’s smiling as when she is throwing a tantrum because you need to have a drink of water and won’t hold her during your guzzling.

Yin: no, Mommy, you cannot use the toilet without me crying at your ‘leaving’ and I will follow you and invade your privacy. Yes, I must sit on your lap as you go. I will also cling to you as you try to pull up your pants (which you must do one handed since you must hug me or hold me). Then when you put me down to wash your hands I will collapse in utter despair until you pick me up. And then I will whimper as if to rub it in that you did this to me; this is your fault that I am upset.

Yang: Mommy,¬† I will look up at you with my beautiful brown eyes, I will cuddle you and I will give you a kiss. I will smile from ear to ear whenever I see you. I will squeal when you tickle me, I will run to you when you play with me. I will take your hand when you hold it out to me. You are my number one. I know you love me and I know I can trust you. I know you will always be there for me. Except when you need to shower….

June 4, 2012

Trapped at 2 AM

Filed under: Breastfeeding, I asked "Why" — Tags: , , , — me2self @ 7:08 pm

Last night my daughter awoke and wanted to nurse. I indulged her for a bit but then had to call it quits (she really isn’t nursing – just using me as a pacifier). She was not pleased by this and refused a pacifier. As she grew more and more upset, I grew more and more angry (and upset) and realized (finally) that I get angry and frustrated because I feel so trapped. What are my options here…I can continue to indulge her (which is so totally displeasing to me) or I can let her cry (which is also totally displeasing to me – if you read about denying nursing to children it makes you feel just horrible for even thinking about it!). I have nothing else. Distraction doesn’t work – just makes her more upset. I usually end up giving in and “nursing” until she finally goes to sleep. Of course then I am so pissed off I can’t sleep for an hour or two.

Basically I have no out. I can’t pass her off to my husband because she just cries (nay, screams) louder when I am not holding her. I tried. I don’t know really why this is the case – if I am in the room (or the house) my daughter must have me. Rarely can my husband hold her or be with her while I am present before she is off to find me (and grab onto my legs until I pick her up). These days I can barely get through my shower before she is up the stairs in my pursuit.

It isn’t that I won’t let my daughter cry. It is that I can’t let her cry about certain things. Wanting to be held, wanting to nurse, etc. These are critical, emotional, fundamental needs that I can’t deny her it. Last night I did my best not to give in. What’s funny (not ha ha funny) is that I am so caught up in trying to do this breastfeeding and weaning thing right (and feel so pressured by all the criticisms I receive) that I don’t stop to think that there may be something else going on with her. All of the sudden it occurred to me that maybe she is thirsty. So I brought her downstairs and gave her some water, which she drank. Then we had some banana. More water. Some playing (more cries). We tried to go back to sleep – no dice. So we watched some Baby Einstein video. Again tried. No dice. I tried to pass her off to my husband¬† – bloody murder screams ensued. All the while my frustration grows. Why must I always be the one up with her. Why can’t I be in bed while he paces the floor rocking and bouncing her, sings, or whatever.

More Baby Einstein. A little milk. Then it occurred to me – she was chewing on a toy earlier that day in such a way it made me think she was teething. Hey, how about some Advil kid? Seems that was the issue (or part of and exhaustion just kicked in…2 hrs later). So we watched Baby Einstein until she fell asleep.

I can’t imagine going through this again with child #2 (not that I am pregnant). I wonder what I could do differently that I won’t have to be the only ‘provider’.

Something with which to discuss at therapy (week 4).

June 1, 2012

iNVERSE relationship

Filed under: Whatever — me2self @ 5:08 pm

Working out makes me eat more junk.

I get hungry and I want something sweet.

Eventually this passes and I prepare more nutritious and lower calorie meals and snacks, but at the beginning, I eat more sweets.

Food fight.

Filed under: On Purpose, Then again.... — me2self @ 2:45 pm

I have an eating disorder. I have had one since I can remember. It peaked in 1996 when I became an active bulimic. Eventually I stopped purging. The binging, however has never really gone away. Since then I have gained weight and lost a little weight, but have generally stayed at an uncomfortable level of fat.

Due to my eating disorder and all of my body image issues, as well as numerous other issues surrounding being a woman (who had an insensitive mother and no real support or guidance in life), I have always been terrified of having a daughter. Well, now I have one and I have to figure out how to prevent her from hating herself and from developing an eating disorder. A friend of mine also struggles with this. Terrified of passing down the bad eating habits, the obsession about what I did or didn’t eat, how I feel about it, how I feel about me, etc. etc. It’s overwhelming at times. Note that her daughter is 6 and mine is 14 months! I think she can obsess louder right now.

I was thinking about it this morning and it occurred to me that there is no way to avoid eating issues, even if you don’t have an eating disorder. The healthiest people (a general term to describe the fit folks that don’t down a bag of chips and can wear a bathing suit without worry) still struggle when they see a chocolate brownie or ice-cream or some other indulgent food that gets their mouth and brain watering (for example, another friend of mine forgoes eating food so she can fit her wine calories into her daily allotment!).

Bottom line is that we (mothers with eating disorders) most likely need to change our idea of what is “normal” in terms of eating. I imagine that even the children that are happy to eat carrots and apples will still want the cookie. Fine. Have the cookie – just don’t have 10 of them.

But our actions will speak louder than our words, which means we need to change (basically on a dime) what we have struggled with for over 20 years. Excuse me? Say what? Yeah. OK.

Maybe the motivation here will be stronger than ever before and maybe I can do it. I say that as if it should be a future endeavor (procrastinating on something that is good for me is part of my pathologies, one that I think I learned from my father).

Baby steps (ha ha) need to be taken, change imparted little by little. Otherwise a resistance will build and the walls will come crumbling down. I now have more than myself to fail. Look into her eyes and see if the chocolate cake is more beautiful.

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