Notes to Self

May 8, 2014

So what gives?

Filed under: Take a deep breath — Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , — me2self @ 10:22 am

I feel defeated today.

As if I lost the game; I am left with the shortest straw; I fell and cannot get back up.

Everyday I am wane somewhere between large extremes; on one side is the immeasurable joy of my family and happy, healthy children and on the other is our financial doom. In between are the daily struggles of stress at work, fatigue and being overweight and filled with anxiety. If I stop moving or focusing on a specific task I eventually start crying.

The question of “so what gives” is just as two sided – I have to wonder why we are suffering like this (both karma-wise and that a well educated, competent man cannot find work) and also what is going to give to prevent us from diving whole body into debt. Options all come with strings – sell the house but that takes money to first fix it up. Take the kids out of daycare and my husband can’t go back to school, which could help him find a job. Move to another state – lose the security of my job.

At night when I am nursing my son to sleep is the time when my mind most wanders about these troubles. I try hard to stay in the moment so I don’t waste these precious times on negative thoughts. But it’s hard to keep my mind on point.

I think back to when our current situation seemed like a nightmare that we’d never experience. I couldn’t have guessed that we’d be here. I don’t understand why. I guess I need a reason to help make it all make sense. I’ll never get one, which leaves me feeling so unsettled about it all; it means there is nothing for me to fix – no undo and no redo.

I grew up broke and so did my husband. I recall what we did and didn’t do and when we had our first child I was able to imagine the summer vacations I never got to do. Why yes little girl, we can go to Disney. But not anymore. No summer rental near a lake. No plane rides to fantastic natural wonders.

My grandfather used to say “Money can’t buy you happiness….but it sure helps”.

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