Notes to Self

March 11, 2014

If it’s in your dream it must be…

If you dream it then it must be bullshit, true or a little bit of both?

I feel like that’s the way I answer my life: somewhat full of shit and somewhat true – no, wait, only the first one. No, no it’s both at the same time. Wait, what? I’m sorry, what was the question again? I wasn’t paying attention; I was too busy dealing with my anxiety over what you will think of me when I answer and should I answer differently to make sure you don’t think I’m crazy…..

Last night I had a dream that my daughter was being comforted by the perfect mom – she looked like Darling from Lady and the Tramp (beautiful, hair and make up perfect…soft glow about her). I recall looking on as my daughter felt so loved as she was being sung to in a perfect voice and was engulfed in a warm (yes, glowing) embrace and thinking how ugly I must be to her and how unfortunate she is to have me as a mom. I could never look or sound like that. Maybe she’s better off…


So here’s the crazy part – last night during bedtime I spent a good 30-40 min nursing the baby to sleep. Just as I was going to put him in his crib I coughed (I have a cold) and he woke up. I was so annoyed as I am just so, so tired and stressed. My husband took him for a bit and my daughter cuddled in our bed. At one point my daughter decided she wanted to go back into her bed. She started caressing my face and telling me to sleep well and that she loved me. She even sat up and sang me a lullaby, pulling the covers up to my face. I thought to myself how wonderful she is and didn’t I do a good job making her feel loved and respected, since here she was giving it back to me. This motivated me to get up and nurse the baby again – to give him the same unconditional love and affection I gave her.

So what’s with the dream? I fell asleep thinking how lovely my family was.


July 10, 2012

Gullible again

I work in a poor city and basically at a hospital. There are a lot of homeless and/or poor people, a lot of violence, gangs and sickness. All screaming in your face all day long. The lack of respect for the fellow man is the loudest of all.

Today I was getting lunch at a food truck (a rarity for me) when we were approached by a woman. She appeared to be a man but was apparently pregnant. Her appearance was odd – strange outfit but clothes were not ragged and she had dread locks, which I hear cost a pretty penny. Her opening line was one that I heard once before “excuse me, I am not asking for money…”. She instead wanted us to buy her some food from the truck (anything she said as she clutched a few coins near her chest which made her appear humble and with great hope).

I thought about it briefly and then reached into a bag I was holding and pulled out a piece of the absolutely most delicious olive bread I have ever had (or that may exist) and handed it to her saying this is very delicious and is good for you too! She looked at it, shook her head and walked away. I kept saying “try it!”. I watched as she, and my previous bread walked away. I wondered if she would eat it. I wondered why she wasn’t. I wondered why I gave it to her. I wondered why I am such a foolish, gullible shit. I wanted my bread back (you can only get it once a week and you have to get there early!). I watched her tear it apart and throw it all around. I was pissed.

I wanted to chase after her and ask what did she really want, why did ask for it and why wasn’t my bread good enough if she was truly hungry.

I was afraid she (still not convinced it was a she) would become violent with me. I stood there feeling like a fool. Thinking of what I would say the next time.

I will think about this for at least the rest of the day. I will tell my husband about it, who will most likely respond with a “well what did you expect?” type comment and he will be right.

I keep thinking people aren’t all bad. That sometimes you just need to show kindness and respect and that not everyone is playing everyone else.

Evidently I am wrong. Again. People (at least this type of person) is always out to play everyone and isn’t looking for kindness or respect. I don’t know what they are looking for.

I am sad that I fell for the trick and sad that I lost my bread (which by the way I was sharing with MY child). But I am more sad that there are so many people out there that prey on people like me.

I want to believe in the best in people from the beginning and be proven wrong. But at what cost? And now how do I teach my child to not be so gullible and to stand up for herself (as I obviously cannot do)?

I don’t have these answers. Do you?

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